The Ones Left Behind
by abbywesten
Summary: Tony and Gibbs have a heart-to-heart about grief, loss, and the pain of surviving. Friendship and bonding. Sort of an episode tag, though not exactly. Further description and disclaimers inside.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is a little different than what I usually write. It's intended to be an episode-related introspective piece, and in all honesty I had a tough time with it as I tried to both stay true to the characters and keep the story in canon. It will be posted as two parts, each one kind of a separate but related mini-story (well, if you want me to continue, that is). Part one takes place shortly after the events of "Kill Ari" and contains spoilers for that, "SWAK" and "Twilight". I had originally planned to make this a one-shot, so please review and let me know if you liked it and want me to go ahead and post the second part that I've written (which takes place after "Aliyah"). By the way, I still don't own NCIS or any of the characters. -abby

**********

The bedside clock glowed softly in the dark bedroom. 0300 hours. Again. Tony couldn't remember the last time he'd actually slept through the night. First there had been the plague and the horrible coughing that kept him up for hours on end, gagging and retching and gasping for air. And then right about the time he had gotten past that, there had been the thing with Ari and the subsequent protection detail for Gibbs. He hadn't slept much those few days either, just catnaps at his desk. And then…Kate.

He rubbed his temples in an attempt force the memories back. _Oh, Kate. I am so sorry. _Tony had repeated those words to himself many times over the last weeks, but in all honesty he didn't even really know what he was sorry **for**. _Everything, I guess. I__'__m sorry for all the times I teased you. Sorry that I didn__'__t see it coming. Sorry that I couldn__'__t save you. Sorry that it was you that died instead of me._ Tony squeezed his eyes shut.

_It would have been easier on everyone if it __**had**__ been me. _Tony could still clearly see the pain and grief on the faces of Kate's family members at the funeral. _She had a family. Brothers, a sister, parents that adored her. It should have been me. _

Tony finally gave up on going back to sleep. He stumbled into the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face before staring at his reflection in the mirror. A reflection he could hardly recognize these days. _Gibbs was right, you look like crap,_ Tony mentally chastised himself, but lately he couldn't find the energy to care. Everything that had been so important to Tony before now seemed trivial in aftermath of Kate's death. He had been trying to act normal, keep his usual mask firmly in place -_ for Probie's sake if nothing else_ - but he knew it was beginning to slip.

As was becoming his early morning routine, Tony took a long, hot shower before pulling on jeans and a button-down shirt. He grabbed his backpack, badge and SIG and headed for the Navy Yard.

Tony had decided that if he was going to be awake he may as well do something useful with his time. He had spent the early hours of the last several mornings poring over cold cases at his desk. It gave him something to think about other than recent events. Predictably, he was usually the only agent around at the early hour, sharing the quiet building with the security guards and cleaning crew.

This particular morning, however, turned out differently. Tony stepped out of the elevator at just past 0400 to see a familiar silver-haired figure already sitting in the bullpen. _Crap,_ Tony thought. _Now he__'__ll ask what I__'__m doing here._ For a brief second the senior field agent considered leaving but then he realized that Gibbs was looking directly at him. Tony sighed and made his way to his desk.

"Hey, Boss."

"DiNozzo." Gibbs' voice was quiet as he looked his agent up and down appraisingly. "You sick?"

That had not been the reaction Tony was expecting. _I must look worse than I thought._ Caught off guard by the note of concern in Gibbs' tone, he faltered slightly before answering. "Ah, no, Boss. Just couldn't sleep."

Gibbs narrowed his eyes at the younger man. "Yeah? Been happening a lot lately, I take it."

Tony sighed heavily as he lowered his exhausted body into the desk chair. He should have guessed that Gibbs would somehow know he'd been coming in so early. With the cat out of the bag, he figured there was little point in lying about it. "For a while now. What about you?"

Gibbs wasn't exactly the sharing type, so Tony didn't necessarily expect a response to his inquiry. However, his boss surprised him by softly saying, "Haven't been sleeping much myself these days. Figured coming up here and getting work done would be more productive than sitting around worrying."

_Worrying? He__'__s never admitted to doing that._ Now Tony was worried. "I've never known you to worry about anything, Boss."

Gibbs raised an eyebrow at the comment. "You don't think I worry?"

Tony shrugged, not really sure what to say.

"I do, believe me." Gibbs sounded thoughtful, and hesitated slightly before adding, "I can't stop thinking about Kate."

Shocked by the admission, all Tony could manage in response was a whispered "Me neither."

"I keep thinking how it should have been me. Ari was after **me**. If he hadn't been such a sadistic bastard…" Gibbs didn't bother to finish.

"Um, how is that worrying, Boss? It sounds more like anger…or guilt." Tony tried to deflect the conversation's heading. He had come to work to try and keep from thinking about Kate and wasn't sure he was up for a discussion on the subject. His standard coping mechanism for dealing with grief was avoidance. That, and lots of alcohol.

Ice blue eyes slid in the senior field agent's direction. "I keep thinking about what could happen the next time some psycho decides he wants to make me suffer. Or the next time someone decides to exact revenge. I almost lost you to that damn plague because of some nut case with a grudge."

Again, Tony found himself at a loss for words. He definitely wasn't used to Gibbs baring his soul and was not sure how to react.

The baffled look on the younger man's face did not go unnoticed. Gibbs said patiently, "I'm saying that I worry about my ability to protect my team, Tony. All of you. Abby, Ducky, especially you and Tim. Getting killed is a risk of being a field agent. It comes with the job, we all know that. Kate knew that. But it doesn't help me sleep at night."

Tony contemplated that_.__I know Gibbs cares about me in his own weird way, but n__o one has ever admitted to worrying about me before. _He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again when he realized he hadn't known what he was going to say.

"Something on your mind, DiNozzo?" Gibbs prodded, his voice uncharacteristically gentle.

"I keep thinking about her family…how devastated they all were." Tony ran his hands through his damp, disheveled hair. "You say it should have been you…it would have been easiest if it were me. I don't have any family. No one would grieve for me like that."

"Say again?" Gibbs didn't like what he was hearing. "And just what makes you think no one would grieve if you died?"

Tony sighed. "I don't know. I just mean that I can't imagine that Kate would be losing too much sleep if I had been the one that was killed." He chuckled, but there was no humor behind it. "I was just a giant pain in her ass. I don't even think she liked me a lot of the time."

Gibbs didn't respond immediately. Tony took it as agreement until his boss finally spoke. "She cried, you know," the older man's voice was distant, as though he was reliving a memory.

"Huh?" Tony didn't follow. "Cried about what?"

Gibbs rubbed his eyes wearily before responding. "When I came to see you in isolation…she was sobbing into Ducky's arms, when she thought you were dying."

Tony was taken aback. He couldn't hide his surprise as he softly said, "I never knew that. She didn't seem sad from what I remember." He finally managed a genuine chuckle as he recalled Kate's angry words in the isolation chamber. '_Plague! Because only YOU would go off and get a disease from the dark ages_!' "God, she was so pissed. I felt terrible when I thought I'd gotten her sick too." The smile dropped from his face as he continued. "That was so much worse than knowing **I** was sick. Why would she do that, Boss? Why did she let me think that she was infected? I never got the chance to ask."

Gibbs smiled faintly. At the time, he had wondered the same thing and demanded answers. "I did. She just said, 'To give him hope.' Kate cared about you, Tony. She didn't want you to be alone."

"She pretty much just yelled at me the whole time we were in isolation. She sure had a funny way of showing that she cared," Tony replied thoughtfully.

"So do you," Gibbs pointed out.

Tony laughed out loud at that. "You're one to talk. But you're right. I just wish…"

"That we could have saved her?" Gibbs finished the sentence after Tony trailed off. "Yeah, I wish that too."

The grief in the younger man's voice was clear as he blurted out, "I should have saved her! She was my partner! I was supposed to have her six and I let her down!"

"You didn't let her down, Tony. There wasn't anything you could have done to save her on that rooftop. There wasn't anything I could have done." Gibbs paused. "And you did save her. If it weren't for you, both Kate and Tim would have died when that car bomb went off. You did good, Tony. And Kate knew you had her six." Gibbs' praise was sincere, but from the look on his agent's face it clearly didn't make Tony feel any better.

Tony sighed before replying, "I guess. I don't know. It's not like I've never faced death before but somehow this is different."

It was Gibbs' turn to chuckle, as he recalled a similar conversation he'd had with Ducky. _'We're just a couple of old chauvinists, Jethro_,' the elderly medical examiner had declared. At the time, Gibbs had agreed but eventually realized that wasn't the reason Kate's death had hit him so hard. She had been a good agent, teammate and partner, but above all, she had been a friend. He looked his senior field agent in the eyes and said softly, "She was a friend, Tony. It isn't easy to get past losing that."

The younger man nodded and after a moment he looked away. "I miss her, Boss."

Gibbs nodded. "I know, Tony. So do I."

The two men sat in contemplative silence for a long while. They stared across the bullpen at Kate's empty desk, each lost in his own memories of the vibrant young woman. Finally Tony broke their reveries with a short laugh. "She'd make fun of us, you know. For sitting here, wallowing, in the middle of the night. I bet she'd call us pathetic and tell us to pull it together."

"You're probably right," Gibbs chuckled. He slowly rose to his feet and stretched. "In that case, let's go get some breakfast. My treat. I need coffee, and you haven't eaten a decent meal in weeks."

Tony shook his head bemusedly as he stood and followed Gibbs toward the elevator. "How do you always know these things, Boss? It's not like you're following me around twenty-four hours a day." He paused. "Wait, you're not, are you?"

Gibbs stopped and turned around. For a second the senior field agent anticipated a swift smack to the back of his head, but instead Gibbs just gently tapped Tony under the chin and replied, "First of all, because I know you. And secondly, because I worry about my people, remember? Now, come on." He let his hand drop and continued toward the elevator.

And with that simple gesture, Tony knew that everything would be okay. That in time, it would get easier to cope with the loss. That they would miss her, but somehow life would go on. He smiled and replied, "On your six, Boss."


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Part two! I guess if I wrote it, I may as well post it. :) I'm glad that part one was well-received, and hope that this will be as well. This chapter contains spoilers for "Semper Fi" and "Aliyah", and takes place very shortly after the latter. There are small spoilers for "Grace Period" and "Judgment Day" also. I tried to write it so that hopefully everything will remain canonical even after the season premiere, but since I'm not psychic... -abby

**********

Tony groaned softly as he shifted to look at the clock. Not quite 0100 hours. _God,_ he thought miserably. _ I haven't slept this badly in ages. Probably since Kate's death. _Tony pushed the memory aside and tried to focus on the present, not that it was any more pleasant to think about. _ How did everything go so wrong? I only wanted to protect her. Did a real bang-up job there. _His broken arm throbbed relentlessly and he could not find a position that lessened the discomfort. _I'm so sorry, Ziva. I know I hurt you. I wish this whole trainwreck had gone differently. _

After tossing and turning for what seemed like hours, Tony finally gave up. He eased his injured arm out of the sling, awkwardly undressed with his one good hand and stepped into the shower. The hot water helped take his mind off the pain – both mental and physical - and he stood underneath the calming spray for a very long time, refusing to think, refusing to dwell on the events of the last few days.

Finally the water started to run cold, so he turned it off and managed to struggle, one-handed, into a pair of pants. The shirt was more of a challenge but eventually Tony wrestled it on, along with his sling. He slipped on his shoes and grabbed his badge before heading to the door. He wasn't on active duty because of the injury so his SIG and backpack stayed behind.

It was just after 0230 when Tony stepped off the elevator and into the bullpen. He was suddenly struck by a long-buried feeling of déjà vu when he saw Gibbs sitting there. Tony did not contemplate leaving, but simply walked over to his own desk and sat down gingerly.

"Hey, Boss. What are you doing here?"

The older man smiled faintly. "Same as you, I'd guess. Trouble sleeping?" Gibbs, too, was stricken by the disturbing familiarity of the situation.

Tony sighed. His relationship with Gibbs had evolved to the point that he felt comfortable just jumping right in. "I can't stop thinking about Ziva. This is all my fault, Boss."

Gibbs shook his head. "It most certainly is not. Things went bad, but not because of you. We have Mossad and Director David to thank for this mess."

"I killed Rivkin," the senior field agent pointed out.

"Yeah, you did. In self-defense."

Tony kept pushing. He wasn't about to let himself off the hook that easily. "Ziva doesn't trust me anymore. I'm her partner, and she thinks I betrayed her."

Gibbs knew that there was no refuting the unfortunate truth in those words and did not try. Instead, he just murmured softly, "You're not the only one."

"What?" Tony wasn't sure he'd heard correctly.

Suddenly, Gibbs realized what he'd said. He had not originally intended to let Tony know of Ziva's demand. Until now, he had allowed his team – save for Ducky – to think that she had decided to stay in Israel of her own accord. Gibbs paused to select his words carefully, knowing they would be difficult for his agent to hear. "Right before we left Tel Aviv. Ziva said she would not work with you anymore." He sighed at the crestfallen look on Tony's face before simply stating, "She made me choose between you."

Tony was completely dumbfounded. He opened his mouth and then immediately closed it again.

Gibbs pinned the younger man down with an icy blue stare as he firmly repeated what he had told Dr. Mallard. "But** she** made the decision the moment she asked me to choose. There was never a question."

"Boss, I…" Tony trailed off as realization dawned. _He chose me. Just like that. Without a second thought, he chose me and left her behind._

Over the years, Gibbs had become very adept at reading his senior field agent's thoughts. "I didn't abandon her, Tony. I didn't want to leave her there. But she lied to us. She withheld information. Don't forget that. I know she had her reasons, and I'm not going to give up on her, but we'll need to set a few things straight when she comes back."

Tony's voice was hardly audible. "**If** she comes back."

The older man did not falter as he stated, "She'll come back. It's just a matter of when."

Tony chuckled humorlessly. He shifted uncomfortably, cradling his injured arm. "Your gut tell you that?"

"Actually, right now my gut is telling me this isn't over, Tony. I'm worried about Ziva. Something's not right." Gibbs' concern was clear.

"I know, Boss. I feel it too." He scrubbed his free hand through damp hair. "This all seems a bit too familiar, doesn't it? Hard to believe it's been four years since we lost Kate. And then Paula and Jenny…I don't think I can lose anyone else, Boss."

"I know, Tony. We'll get her back. I promise."

When Tony continued, pain and guilt were evident in his voice. "This could have been avoided. I know you say it isn't my fault, but right now it sure feels like it is. I should have done things differently. I should have..." He trailed off, not really sure how to finish the sentence.

"What could you have done, Tony? You didn't go to Ziva's apartment with the intention of killing Rivkin. You didn't know he was there. You were trying to give her the chance to explain herself. You were looking out for your partner. I can't say that I would have done anything differently." Gibbs knew that his words were unlikely to change the younger man's mind, but he continued. "Besides, **I** told you to stay on Rivkin, to find out everything you could."

"You probably wouldn't have killed him. You would have found another way," Tony said flatly.

Gibbs shook his head. "It was either him or you."

The younger man looked lost in thought, staring vacantly into space. He shrugged without thinking, then winced at the pain the movement caused in his broken arm. _Ziva made it clear that she would have preferred it to be me._

Gibbs leaned back in his desk chair, regarding his senior field agent. Tony looked exhausted. He was thin and pale, and fine lines of pain seemed permanently etched in his features. Gibbs knew that the younger man had been refusing his pain medication, and probably hadn't eaten more than a few bites of food since the incident with Rivkin. He made another decision, just as clear-cut as the last, and rose to his feet. "Come on, DiNozzo."

Tony looked puzzled. "Where are we going?"

"There's nothing we can do about Ziva right now. But there is something we can do about you. You need to take care of yourself. Let's go get some breakfast at that all-night diner." Though Gibbs' voice was soft, the command was clear.

Nevertheless, Tony began to protest. He got as far as "I'm-" before Gibbs cut him off.

"So help me, DiNozzo, if the next word out of your mouth is 'fine' I will break your other arm. Now come on." He gently squeezed Tony's good shoulder.

Tony sighed heavily, but allowed his boss to guide him to his feet. The two men headed toward the elevator in silence. Suddenly Gibbs stopped and turned to his senior field agent. He looked Tony in the eyes and said solemnly, "I'm proud of you. No matter what happens or how this turns out, I'm proud to have you on my team. Always have been."

The younger man's smile was faint, but grateful. "Thanks."

Gibbs nodded sharply, then headed for the elevator once more. "You coming?" he tossed back over his shoulder.

Tony straightened up and adjusted his sling. "Yeah, Boss. On your six."


End file.
